Safe on my journey
I knew where I was headed
Till you crossed my path
© Blu Breeze/ ® All Rights Reserved
You ever find yourself just strolling along in life and you realize you are at a point that you are comfortable with? You like who you are, what you're doing, where you see yourself headed and the people you have surrounded yourself with. Then out of nowhere, it seems the universe suddenly does a paradigm shift and you find youself thrown into a sea of uncertainty. Everything is different than it was before and you are no longer comfortable with where you are or who you are or who you're with. But now you've become complacent with the way things are and where you were once brave and courageous, now you are afraid and doubtful. Because things seem so different, you no longer trust yourself to make the right decisions.....so out of fear, you dont make any decision at all. You just stand still. You spin your wheels and you bang your head against that wall that you feel so backed up against and you feel lost and alone. And you HATE it. Because it's so different from where you were....and you want to get back to where you were...but that would mean doing something. And you're afraid to do something. So you're still. You don't move....forward OR backward. And you try to change your situation from within. Only that doesn't work. So you're still. And you don't move. But you keep FEELING lost...and feeling unhappy....and feeling oh so uncertain. And you FEEL like you just gotta do something...ANYTHING! But you can't....because you're scared. So now you lash out...you attack the one thing that you think got you off track. You try to make that thing move....with you, instead of against you. You try to make that thing see that your journey and your thoughts and your feelings are important. They matter. But it doesn't see...it doesn't understand...and it won't move. Not the way you want it to. And you can't move it...cause people can't be moved. So you're there....and it's there....and no one is moving. You're hurting...more and more and more. The more you spin your wheels, the more you hurt. The more you stand still, the more you hurt. The more you give in, the more you hurt. And you wanna give up...but you can't. Because you don't know how. You've always been a fighter, and even when you knew it was a losing battle....you still fought. But you want to give up now, only you don't know how. And you know that at some point, you're going to die. Inside. But you're so afraid to do something....anything...so you decide that maybe dying inside is better than making the choice to do the wrong thing. Making the wrong choice. Choosing the wrong thing. So you stand still...you don't move...you stop spinning your wheels and you stop banging your head and and you allow yourself to die slowly....you simply make your feelings cease to exist. Because now you're convinced that you are the only person they ever mattered to anyway. So you stand still...you don't move...because then THIS journey will be over. This path that you have found yourself so lost on, will end. This painful, doubtful, fearful place that you have found yourself so lost in will be no more. And you can begin again on a new path...on a new journey...towards a new life. A new beginning...only without any feelings of doubt or regret or humiliation over making the wrong choice. Because allowing yourself to die slowly isn't the same thing as choosing to give up...
...is it?
© Blu Breeze/ ® All Rights Reserved
I'm thinking of doing that as a spoken word piece (yep...the haiku and all), but I kind of want the end to be less like a Spike Lee think-about-it ending and more of call to trust in yourself. So I'm working on it, still. However, I do really like the way it sounds when I read it out loud. I don't know....give me some feedback yall. I need it.
Spread love, ya'll. 
Peace. 
Summer means school's out
she goes far away and she
has fun without me
© Blu Breeze/ ® All Rights Reserved
Oh boy.....now I'm REALLY all alone! My daughter is in St. Louis for 6 whole weeks! I am missing her like crazy!
She and I drove down to Atlanta on Sunday to drop her off with her dad. He was in AtL for the weekend celebrating his birthday and we agreed it would be cheaper and more fun for her if she could ride back to StL with him. I've called her every day since Sunday about 4 times a day. She's sick of me bothering her now.
So as lonely and sad as I've been these past couple of weeks....I've decided to get out and do things. I'm going to hit the open mics (and maybe even read *GASP*), check out the many galleries and I may even go to a karaoke night with my friend Jaye (*gasp again*). I met some WONDERFUL people at the Southern Fried Slam, and I am going to begin to forge friendships with many of them. I've been a recluse for much of this past year. I've made friends...but only a few. It's time to spread my wings and re-emerge as the social butterfly I've always been.
This summer's gonna be fun, ya'll!! 
Spread love.
Peace.
First, I was poking around on Delrica’s livejournal and ran across another livejournal. I immediately was struck by his use of haikus in each entry. It got me to thinking….I almost NEVER post my poetry here. I’m still trying to get used to sharing my poetry with others and being comfortable doing it. Even though I don’t write a poem everyday, I try to write something each day. Mostly it turns out to be 2 or 3 lines of arbitrary text that don’t seem to ever connect with anything else I write, thus accumulating lots and lots of partial poems. However, I like to write haikus….something about the counting of the syllables structure (with my OCD tendency of counting) that really appeals to me. I write a haiku every day….sometimes I can write 5 or 6 haikus a day. Yet they never see the light of day. But that is about to change. With every new post, there will be a new haiku! My own little poetic challenge to myself. Remember what happened the LAST time I challenged myself poetically? Click here to find out (I even won the prestigious TVA Poem of the Month award for it!). For future entries, I will either put the haiku at the beginning of the post or try and fit it into a text box underneath my mood and music. Sometimes the haiku may correspond with the context or theme of the post…sometimes not. I’m excited about this little challenge, and maybe my 3 faithful readers will be too.
Secondly, I was poking around on Nati's bravejournal and came to an entry where she purges all her thoughts and feelings about a friend into her journal. As I was relating to her post and reflecting on my own situation that was similar to hers, I had an ephipany (i just LOVE that word! teeheehee).....some people grow and evolve, and some people just change. It's very difficult for someone who is growing and evolving (or has grown and evolved) to continually be in the space with someone who is changing (or has changed) as it tends to deplete them of their positive energy and brings them down. An evolved human has become more loving (of self and of others), more patient, more concerned with others, more understanding and considerate and sensitive. A changed human....well...has just changed. They aren't the same person they used to be, however, who they are now may or may not be better. An evolved person never wants to leave a friend behind and neither does a changed person....the difference is, an evolved person knows that sometimes it's necessary to leave people behind. And they draw on the strength that they've gained through their growth to help them do the right thing. I feel myself not changing....I feel myself evolving. And it's a very difficult thing because basic human nature is to take care of self, protect self. So sometimes I slip up. But when I feel myself slipping I have a couple of people that can put me back on the right track. It's a spiritual journey, evolving is. Because I have to rely on God to guide me and protect me, and sometimes when things aren't looking too good....my faith falters. But I won't quit. I won't stop trying to be a better person, I won't stop evolving, I won't run. I gotta stop running. Anyone can run.....I don't want to just be anyone...anymore.
Then I went poking around on Rain's bravejournal. Her connection with poetry and spoken word reminded me so much of my own connection with it. It's been a part of me (like music has) since I can remember. My mother still has poems and stories that I wrote when I was just 5-6 years old. Granted they aren't great or anything....but it's obvious that the passion and "need" to write was evident in me even then. I've always been an avid reader too. I guess reading and writing go hand in hand. I just wish I could get over the fear of sharing (performing), then I could feel like I was really doing something with my gifts.
Lastly, I was just handed this new CD by this new cat on the soul scene. His name is Nuwamba, and he's so new, Amazon doesn't even have anything on him. But Dusty Grooves does! LOL Anyway, he's got 15 tracks on this CD and even has a couple of actual spoken word tracks. To say he is fiyah, would be an understatement. I am really LOVING this CD!!! He is soulful and mellow and I could put this CD on at home and write up a storm to it! I recommend it to ANYONE who enjoys good soulful music!
Wow....told ya I had a lot to say! LOL Now, I'll just leave ya with a haiku:
Winter kissed his
Face the way I wished I could
Travel on a breeze
© Blu Breeze/ ® All Rights Reserved
As always, spread love, ya'll!!
Peace.
It was my intention to update this each day of the slam. But hunny and I got so busy with slam stuff that each night when we got in, we just crashed. The Southern Fried Poetry Slam was quite an experience! I met some really cool, really talented and really down-to-earth people. Even those who I've seen on TV seem so grounded (Chris Imperial ROCKS!!!) My hunny slammed 3 times and did a WONDERFUL job!!! I knew he would....and he did! You can see his scores and get HIS version of how the slam was for him at his page. I met my TVA sister Rain when she and her friends came up for the slam. Rain and I bonded immediately!! It was like seeing an old friend again and not meeting a new one for the first time. One or two ot the poets diplayed diva-tendencies....but for the most part the energy of the weeked was high (though not always positive), everyone was friendly and supportive of each other and things just seemed to flow. My fellow volunteers gave everything they had to keep things running smoothly.
When it was time for finals....the four top scoring teams competed against each other for the title of Southern Fried Poetry Slam 2005 Champions. They were SlamCharlotte, New Orleans, Miami (thanks Delrica...you ROCK!!!!) and Newark. After four rounds of some of the hottest poetry I've heard....SlamCharlotte came out victorious! Something deep down in me knew they were going to win...even though going into the finals, they were down by a few points. I'm happy for the team and really happy for the city. If you are one of my two faithful readers, you know I've had a hard time here in Charlotte this past year....but getting a chance to be a part of Southern Fried and all the positivity surrounding it has given me new hope. I may stay after all. 
On another note, I want to say a big CONGRATULATIONS to my really good friend, B (and his wife) on the birth of their new baby boy!!
On yet another note, I miss my hunny!!!! 
He was here for five days....and for five days we were like a NORMAL couple. We laughed, we touched, we kissed, we fought, we argued, we made up, we talked, we had meals together....just did normal couple stuff. Then all too soon, he was gone again. And as usual, I'm left with this HUGE space in my heart and I go into some kind of depression. It usually lasts about a week but it consists of me crying, being irritable to those around me, not eating, only wanting to sleep (yet sleeping restlessly when I do sleep) and becoming almost reclusive. It's so bad, that at the beginning of each depressive state, I wonder to myself if we should keep doing this. I mean it's absolutely WONDERFUL when we see each other (even during the fighting....cause face it, we couldn't fight if we weren't together) but the state of mind I plummet into when he's gone is horrible. I wonder if anyone, besides my sister, even notices. Hell, I wonder if HE notices. Notices I'm more on edge (with him), more irritated (with him), have a shorter fuse (with him), more insecure (about him/us) and even quieter (with him). And I don't know how to NOT feel this way. This is the most difficult relationship I've ever been in....because it's testing all that I am, all that I am not and all that I want to be. I can't wait to meet the Blu that evolves and come out on the other side of this journey. I sure hope hunny is right there with me.....evolved and ready for the next journey. But for now....he's been gone two days and I'm just sick. 
Spread love ya'll.
Peace.
Okay...first things first....a couple of days ago, I attempted to update this journal with a blow by blow account of my birthday festivities. I got a TON of info typed in then my computer at home froze. I was so frustrated and angry that I just shut it down and didn't even attempt to reboot and continue to update this. It's taken me a few days to get over that...but here I am. Secondly, my birthday went well. I'll give you the I hung out with a friend, got lots of phone calls, emails, text msgs, got caught in the rain and ruined my daughter's suprise. But all in all....it was cool.
Today marks Day 1 of the Southern Fried Poetry Slam. This year, this slam is being held here in Charlotte, NC. In the 13 year history of Southern Fried, this year is it's biggest yet. With over double the amount of teams slamming, the downtown area is sure to be buzzing with the energy of poets from near and far! I am excited and happy to be a part of this event. Last summer, the National Poetry Slam was held in St. Louis (my hometown) and I was blessed to be able to take part in that as well...as a volunteer. It was there that I got my appetite for "working" a slam. I was able to be up close and personal to the poets, the spectators and just all the lovers of poetry. So when I heard Southern Fried would be here this year....I knew that once again, I would be taking part in a volunteer capacity. The slammaster and his dedicated staff and slam team are a bunch of peaceful, talented and committed people, and I am honored to be a part of it all.
Last night my hunny flew in and we immediately went to the even hotel so he could register (yes, he is participating in his very FIRST slam! WHO HOOOO!!! YAY!!!!!) and I could attend the volunteer meeting. The meeting was to give us job descriptions, our duties, to meet each other and for the committee members to express their deepest gratitude to all us volunteers...."for without you (us) none of this would be possible"....yep....that's true. After the meeting and hunny's registration (ya'll be on the lookout for the name Copasetic Soul....he's gonna be doing BIG things!!) we checked out an open mic. It was nice, and as usual, it was good to see the Charlotte poets come out. But I didn't get home till LATE. So today, a sista is struggling!!
From the corporate gig, I go straight to the first bout of the slam and work the door. It's gonna be another LONG night....but poetry/writing is my passion....so I'm not mad about it at all! I'm just so happy and excited to be a part of it all!!
I'll try to update you all again tomorrow.
Spread love ya'll!
Peace.
You ever sit back and wonder about all the things you WISH you had or could have in your lifetime? I never really did...but suddenly today I found myself daydreaming (as I often do) and found myself saying "I wish". I know it's a stupid little game from childhood...but I find myself frequently wishing on stars and fallen eyelashes and when the time reflects my birthday.
So much about life is uncontrollable and I must say that this past year has been a most tumultuous one for me. I moved 750 miles from my family and all my friends, I've lost a "best friend", a potential lifemate and the man I was willing to give up everything for. I've gone round and round with ex-husband-babydaddy drama, I've experienced so many writer's blocks that I feel like I can no longer even consider myself a writer or poet. I've lived in a constant state of financial hardship, I've had my faith in God and my trust in mankind put to the test and BOTH have come up short. I've loved hard and been betrayed and hurt and cast out even harder. I've been faced with opportunities only to let them pass, while holding on to (and FOR) something else. All these things have caused me to question everything about me...my character, my heart, my intentions towards others, my needs, my wants and desires, my choices...my purpose in this lifetime. I've had to face some demons....while being terrified of them and what I would find. I've withdrawn from people and avoided forming new friendships/relationships. Now I find myself in a place that I knew I would be....alone in this "new" city and wondering "what the fuck?" At many different points during the past year I have questioned why I'm here. Why my life is what it is and where it is right now. Yet, I've never sat still and quiet long enough to hear the answer. But now....I'm just tired....so I'm wishing.
1. I wish I knew why this part of my life has to be spent so far from those that I love and trust.
2. I wish I could provide ALL that my daughter wants and needs to become a healthy, happy, responsible, well-rounded, sensitive, compassionate person.
3. I wish I could know immediately which people I could trust.
4. I wish I could live a life without having to put up walls.
5. I wish I were more courageous, could live a life without fear.
6. I wish I could be strong enough and brave enough to listen to my intuition.
7. I wish I could be better with money.
8. I wish I could stop procrastinating.
9. I wish I believed in myself more.
10. I wish I knew if I was going to grow old alone.
11. I wish I could live my life as carefree and daring and loving as I really want to.
12. I wish Assata Shakur could get REAL justice and finally some peace.
13. I wish I could someday get married--barefoot on the beach with my daughter and my younger sister by my side.
14. I wish I could make a difference, somehow, to someone.
15. I wish to love someone so intensely...and experience their intense love of me...at the same time.
16. I wish I could meet all my TVA family.
17. I wish my daughter could go to whatever college she wants to and I not have to worry about where the money is gonna come from.
18. I wish I could shield my daughter from all the pain and heartache she is sure to experience in her life.
19. I wish I could see my daddy and my sister every day.
20. I wish I could live the rest of my life without hurting someone.
21. I wish I knew why I am so afraid of heights.
22. I wish I could have a closer relationship with my mom.
23. I wish I could be less reluctant to share my artistic abilities.
24. I wish I never had stage fright.
25. I wish I had my best friend back.
26. I wish I could win the lottery and never HAVE to work again.
27. I wish I could open my own business and leave the corporate world behind.
28. I wish I am the type of person that others look up to.
29. I wish I could learn to stop feeling like I have to control EVERY aspect of my life.
30. I wish life didn't have to have so many downs.
31. I wish I had more discipline.
32. I wish I could somehow meet the baby that I lost.
33. I wish I had more kids.
34. I wish my writing is an inspiration to someone.
35. I wish my life could inspire someone.
36. I wish I could laugh and fly and never cry...unless they are happy tears.
There are more, and I could go on....but I'll stop at 36...my age. An age that I thought by the time I reached, I'd have it all figured out. I wish I did.
Spread love, ya'll.
Peace.
Forgive me Bravejournal community for I have sinned...it's been 29 days, 7 hours and 6 minutes since my last entry.
It's been so long that when I logged on to update....EVERYTHING looks and works differently!! I don't like this!!! AARRGGGHHH!!!!
But really not much has happened, and to be totally honest, I guess I've grown a little bored with my journal. I think I want to change it, but I'm not focused enough to sit at this computer for hours and play with it by trial and error.
I've been writing and practicing my guitar (though, admittedly, not as much I should be) and working and trying my BEST to stay connected and close to my thirteen year old daughter. I've been playing with my camera phone too. My hunny and I send pics to each other....that's really the ONLY time I use the dang thing. I was going to show you a few in this entry but I can't figure out how to do that. AARRRGGGHHH!!!!!!!
Ooooo...I think I got it! See me here:
and here: 
and here:
I had to straighten my hair to get it cut. It's HARD to find someone who knows how to cut curly hair. So, once I straightened it and saw how damaged it had become, the stylist had to cut FOUR INCHES off to get it to look good! I was a little sad about that, but I had to remind myself that it's just hair and it will grow back. But now, I am leaving it straight for a while. I have to focus on getting it back healthy. When I wear it curly, I can only comb it when it's wet...so I have to wet it in the shower every morning. And being that I am always rushing, I can't take the time to comb it out CAREFULLY, so I end up losing SO MUCH hair in that process. There were times when I would see so much hair go down the drain that I wanted to cry! I mean full, long pieces of hair! I never knew what was causing that! So this way, I wash it once a week blow dry it then wrap it and put on a scarf. No other heat or styling products have to touch it till the next washing. But the thing is I absolutely LOVE my hair curly!! Look at these pics:
And this one:
So I don't know what I'll do in the long run. But for the meantime, it'll be straight. But there has GOT be a better way!! If anyone has any pointers, I'm open to any and all suggestions...well, except for telling me to get up earlier in the morning so I can take my time combing those curls out...I'm NOT a morning person, so that may not be the best solution. But anything else, is welcome!! LOL
I didn't mean for this to turn into a hair entry...but I let it go where it would go. I'll try to write something in here again sometime in the next 29 days, 7 hours and 6 minutes.
Peace.
Spread love, ya'll!!
Sooooo....it's been yet another minute since I posted. Nothing much has happened since then. I'm still battling my demons, still trying to handle being so far away from my loved ones, still writing and praying and trying to maintain.
My hunny did come down and spend his birthday with me. That was absolutely fabulous! We had a most wonderful time! It just reminded me that we are SOOOOOO good together...when we are together. I can see now that all the fighting and getting mad at each other that we had been doing is a direct result of us being so dayum far apart! We are both so frustrated and angry that we can't be together like we really want...and we end up taking it out on each other. We love each other so very much....it's just so unfair that we have to be so far apart.
Well, that's it for me...for now. Maybe I'll have more later...maybe I won't. Who knows? Till next time....
Peace.
Spread love ya'll!
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