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Saturday, June 25th 2005

5:05 PM (1243 days, 22h, 52min ago)

Lost

  • Mood: Creative
  • Music: Circe by King Britt and Ursula Rucker
  • Musing over: "you'll leave when the pain of staying is greater than the pain of leaving."

Safe on my journey
I knew where I was headed
Till you crossed my path
© Blu Breeze/ ® All Rights Reserved

You ever find yourself just strolling along in life and you realize you are at a point that you are comfortable with?  You like who you are, what you're doing, where you see yourself headed and the people you have surrounded yourself with.  Then out of nowhere, it seems the universe suddenly does a paradigm shift and you find youself thrown into a sea of uncertainty.  Everything is different than it was before and you are no longer comfortable with where you are or who you are or who you're with.  But now you've become complacent with the way things are and where you were once brave and courageous, now you are afraid and doubtful.  Because things seem so different, you no longer trust yourself to make the right decisions.....so out of fear, you dont make any decision at all.  You just stand still.  You spin your wheels and you bang your head against that wall that you feel so backed up against and you feel lost and alone.  And you HATE it.  Because it's so different from where you were....and you want to get back to where you were...but that would mean doing something.  And you're afraid to do something.  So you're still.  You don't move....forward OR backward.  And you try to change your situation from within.  Only that doesn't work.  So you're still.  And you don't move.  But you keep FEELING lost...and feeling unhappy....and feeling oh so uncertain.  And you FEEL like you just gotta do something...ANYTHING!  But you can't....because you're scared.  So now you lash out...you attack the one thing that you think got you off track.  You try to make that thing move....with you, instead of against you.  You try to make that thing see that  your journey and your thoughts and your feelings are important.  They matter.  But it doesn't see...it doesn't understand...and it won't move.  Not the way you want it to.  And you can't move it...cause people can't be moved.  So you're there....and it's there....and no one is moving.  You're hurting...more and more and more.  The more you spin your wheels, the more you hurt.  The more you stand still, the more you hurt.  The more you give in, the more you hurt. And you wanna give up...but you can't.  Because you don't know how.  You've always been a fighter, and even when you knew it was a losing battle....you still fought.  But you want to give up now, only you don't know how.  And you know that at some point, you're going to die.  Inside.  But you're so afraid to do something....anything...so you decide that maybe dying inside is better than making the choice to do the wrong thing.  Making the wrong choice.  Choosing the wrong thing.  So you stand still...you don't move...you stop spinning your wheels and you stop banging your head and and you allow yourself to die slowly....you simply make your feelings cease to exist.  Because now you're convinced that you are the only person they ever mattered to anyway.  So you stand still...you don't move...because then THIS journey will be over.  This path that you have found yourself so lost on, will end.  This painful, doubtful, fearful place that you have found yourself so lost in will be no more.  And you can begin again on a new path...on a new journey...towards a new life.  A new beginning...only without any feelings of doubt or regret or humiliation over making the wrong choice.  Because allowing yourself to die slowly isn't the same thing as choosing to give up...

...is it?
© Blu Breeze/ ® All Rights Reserved

I'm thinking of doing that as a spoken word piece (yep...the haiku and all), but I kind of want the end to be less like a Spike Lee think-about-it ending and more of call to trust in yourself.  So I'm working on it, still.  However, I do really like the way it sounds when I read it out loud.  I don't know....give me some feedback yall.  I need it.

Spread love, ya'll. 

Peace. 

19 Vibe(s).

Posted by Copasetic_Soul:

nice very nice. it would make a nice spoken word piece. that means you will have to READ it in PUBLIC...im sure you can do it though!
Sunday, June 26th 2005 @ 11:32 AM (1243 days, 4h, 26min ago)

Posted by Blu Breeze:

Hardy har har! I KNOW that means I will have to read it in public, smarty pants! LOL

What about the ending? Give me some feedback please.

Peace.
Sunday, June 26th 2005 @ 12:45 PM (1243 days, 3h, 13min ago)

Posted by Brandy:

I navigated here through someone else's blog--was trying to get to your blog but ended up here instead. that piece, or those words (if you're not ready to call it a piece yet)was wonderful. it is amazing that i landed here--i could not have written that any differently if i was spilling my deepest thoughts and feelings at the moment onto paper. i completely feel those words, and think it would be great as a spoken word piece...i like the ending...i do think it could have just as much impact (and less overtly "think about it" undertones) without the "or is it" part...if you just left that second to last line as the ending but said it a bit sarcastically, i think it would be a powerful ending all on its own. What's your blog address? I'd be interested in checking you out more regularly. You can hit me at my email or my blogspot...bmayers@blogspot.com
Peace,
Brandy
Monday, June 27th 2005 @ 12:50 PM (1242 days, 3h, 8min ago)

Posted by Patrick Johnson:

hey big sis, i was just stoppin by to make sure that your weren't losin ALL your marbles.... I see I am too late but i love ya anyway
Thursday, June 30th 2005 @ 10:27 AM (1239 days, 5h, 30min ago)

Posted by delrica:

Great minds...you know the rest.

Miss you already, sis.:-(
Tuesday, July 5th 2005 @ 5:16 AM (1234 days, 10h, 41min ago)

Posted by Damininsta:

I'm going to have to print this out and read this a few more times. The similarities to some of the things i've been going through is just down right scary.
Friday, August 12th 2005 @ 11:53 AM (1196 days, 4h, 5min ago)

Posted by Blu Breeze:

Delrica and Da Minista...first it's GREAT to see you both here!!! Yall make me blush and smile and feel all happy inside.

Second, it's interesting how God works to put us all together at the times we need each other most.
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